Updated: Mar 30, 2020
When i share that I’m celibate or have been practicing abstinence for the last 3 years. I get so many strange looks and questions. Folks get to checking my forehead and asking me if I need a thermometer.
And that's when I have to remind them I'm actually doing pretty good in this season of singleness. When you are aware of things that you need to heal and establish before your husband arrives, you'll have no qualms over being single. I see it like this; I can't expect something that I am not myself.
True enough it started out as a protest. A protest out of being hurt emotionally by someone and so I vowed that until I got my emotions in check and men got they ish together I will not indulge in sexual relations (in my Bill Clinton voice)…and give this Yoni to NO ONE! I was going to make us all SUFFA!
But as time went along and I started learning about soul ties and how sex is one of the most powerful transference of energy; it formed and developed into more of a season of healing and reflection
Reflection on the type of men I was attracting and how that was solely on who I thought I was as a woman. Reflection on why my relationships didn't work out and the part I played in that outcome. Reflection on my life in general and not being where I thought I should be in life. I also started to realize these men were a reflection of me. Abusive, insecure, emotionally unavailable, fear of commitment, inconsistent in their approach, broken or lack of direction were also unhealed parts of me that had never been dealt with in a healthy way. This reflected in my relationships.
I started to understand how smoking, drinking, and partying everyday played a strong role in my self-medication and how they were coping mechanisms to hide these unhealed parts of me that I was scared to unmask and deal with. So once I let go of these unhealthy habits, I was forced to deal with my issues in a more healthy and productive way.
I learned in order for me to attract different I had to become different. I learned what love and respect for myself looked like. During this time of singleness, I took back my personal power, I discovered and learned myself from the inside out. I went on this journey of self-discovery. I fasted, prayed, served others, cried, accomplished goals, cried some more and built a foundation built on authentic self-love. During this self-discovery, I learned a few things, first that I was one of God's best ideas; I learned that I mattered, my story mattered and what I survived mattered, I discovered I had a purpose that I was passionate about and willing to put energy towards. I learned how to plant a seed, water and nurture it before planting another one because if not, nothing grows. I also learned that If I had too many pots on the stove cooking, things would eventually over cook and burn or not cook long enough which would leave me with nothing to feed others or myself. I learned the importance of faith, patience, consistency and discipline. The most important thing I learned was acceptance that everything that I went through was supposed to happen for my highest good and majority of it I created subconsciously.
It has been an ugly journey (and still is) because let's face it; tapping into things you are ashamed and embarrassed about will bring up emotions you didn't know you had. This season had me tapping into things I didn't even know was affecting me and my relationships. my health, and my finances. Issues that stemmed from childhood, past wounds. I had to come to grips with the truth. And while I couldn't go back and fix anything, just being conscious of how it was showing up for me as an adult was very groundbreaking. Forgiveness was one of the best things I could've done for myself. It set me free.
I start dating myself, going to the movies alone, eating alone, spending quiet time with myself. My discernment was on point and it allowed me to turn down men who I would've entertained before. All the while building up my self-esteem and gaining clarity of what I wanted out of life, why I wanted it and how to go get it. I would be lying if I said, loneliness don't creep in, watching other couples in public or on social media will bring up emotions, but its normal. It's like waiting for your food to come out at a restaurant. You look around and see everyone else being served and wonder where's your food, but then you realize God has a special order for you that takes time to prepare and so you sit back and be patient because you trust once it comes, it's going to be worth the wait, Seasoned and cooked to perfection!!
So often we associate being single as a curse or bad thing. In fact, depending on how you move in this season of singleness, it can be extremely powerful and beneficial to you.
There are so many things to learn and develop during this time, from raising your vibrations and energetic fields to attract someone on the same frequency, healing and learning what you want and don't want out of a relationship, learning how to become a good steward over your finances and over your household to serving others and giving back. There are so many things God would have you to overcome while single. One thing is for sure, your spirit of discernment will become stronger and your standards will become higher because you become closer to God.
You don't have to be the person who sit around waiting for someone to save you, or feeling sorry for yourself asking "why am I still single" or "what's wrong with me" No. you can save yourself sis, develop yourself and use this season as a way to build a foundation for yourself. if you are a parent, a foundation for your children as well. Becoming whole as a person starts with you. Sometimes we feel in order to feel whole and worthy, the validation has to come from someone else. This is far from the truth. Self-Validation is what's important.
There are so many ways to optimize and maximize your season of singleness; Remember He's worth preparing for!
Learn to love yourself and enjoy your solitude
Once you realize, nothing or no one can fill the void in your life but you and God, you will be more mindful with not wasting your precious time and energy looking for something outside of yourself to make you feel whole and complete. When you love yourself first, you will not seek validation and affirmation from a man. It's important not to determine your worth based on if you've found "Mr Right" or not. Because what happens is, you'll start to feel inadequate because you're single. That's not true sis, you are adequate, you are enough and God delights in you, but you have to first find delight in yourself. Learning how to be content in this season by yourself is important because you learn how to trust God, you build confidence and remove many insecurities. We all have insecurities but some insecurities choke the roots of a relationship before it grows to something more. Why? Because we put the responsibility on the man to make us feel good about ourselves. and to deal with our insecurities. Honestly its not his responsibility, its your responsibility sis so during this time learn how to trust yourself and love yourself unconditionally. Spirit of Discernment is important to develop during this time. When men who don't match your frequency, standards and energy, show up you'll be content with saying No instead of settling out of desperation. You don't have to jump in and out of relationships to prove to others you are date-able. Use this time to discover what you like and dislike, what are deal breakers, what lessons come up from your past relationships. Use this time to heal. This is a time to pamper and care for yourself in this season. This will set the tone for how others treat you. Use this season to spend time in self-reflection and self-development.
Live your life:
Don't wait to travel and make business moves. Don't wait to buy a home, car or diamonds. Do it now! Become a good steward over your finances until your partner arrives. Become a homeowner, become a business owner, spoil yourself and your children with lavish gifts NOW! This is a great time to develop gifts and skills. Go back to school to get the degree or certificate. Do it for yourself, do it for your children. Do it for those who you can serve. Once you get in a relationship there will be things such as money, energy, time and intentions that will change as you become one with someone else. Your priorities will change for sure so your season of singleness affords you the opportunity to pursue your passions and dreams selfishly. When your partner arrives, they will complement who you already are.
Serve and give back to others:
This is a great time to serve others and bring forth your ministry. Serve the homeless, advocate for domestic violence, mentor children, serve the elderly, your community, teach financial literacy, cooking, praying, promoting health and wellness, or education are all ways you can serve others. Tap into your gifts and talents and use them to bless others. Reflect on things you had to overcome to provide a testimony to others. One thing about helping and serving others is EVERYONE WINS. You win and the recipient of your service wins. Serving others will humble you, make you feel better about yourself and your place in the world. Your contribution big or small matters and you can make a difference with the resources you have now.
Build relationships with others:
This will be a great time to establish strong bonds and relationships with your children, siblings, parents, mentors, coaches, co-workers, neighbors, church family, business associates, those you serve and those who serve you. The relationships you build now will help prepare you for marriage and a deeper relationship with your husband. If all of your relationships are strained and suffering, there may be a need to learn how to communicate, forgive and give more before a partner arrives. Forgiveness, communication and giving are strong components of any relationship. Prepare yourself with those around you, this will shape you into a woman worth marrying.
Get closer to God:
Your season of singleness matures your faith, allows you to devote more time for God and opens you to listen to those things that come up in your spirit that requires change and transformation. The partner you are preparing for is worth the self-development and healing you will undertake during your season of singleness. The great thing about this season is the woman you transform and grow into will attract a man worthy of you. You will have a foundation so strong, those who are not able to fill those shoes will feel intimidated, and fall back. And the one who is truly meant for you, will step up to their rightful place on the throne. So fix your crown and EMBRACE your SEASON of SINGLENESS!
Leftovers: Write a letter to your future husband and place it somewhere you can visit every time you start to feel "some type of way" about this season of singleness
Food for the Soul: (Listen to the Lyrics)
Prepared by Jill Scott; Rise by Solange; Mirror by Lalah Hathaway; Golden by Jill Scott; New Attitude by Patti Labelle; Golden Time of Day by Frankie Beverly and Maze; It's My Time by Kelly Price; Say Yes by Shekinah Glory Ministry; It's Working by William Murphy; Optimistic by Sounds of Blackness; I Want Back by Kierra Sheard; The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill by Lauryn Hill; I'm Getting Ready by Tasha Cobbs and Nicki Minaj
Comment more songs that inspire and uplift you every time you listen to them!